My earlier comment referring to Jesus not advocating violence in any form might get a rise from someone... is smacking violence?
I'm saying that smacking is violence - and in the case of adults smacking children, it is in the realm of the worse kind of violence (even if in most cases it is a relatively mild form of it).
Let me explain myself...
1. violence in my view is when one inflicts pain on another using force
2. the violence can take various forms, e.g physical and verbal
3. there are different levels of violence - some are minor some are major, but they are still acts of violence
4. I believe it is better to use this violence as a defining term in relation to this issue rather than smacking because of the ambiguity surrounding the way people talk of smacking. A smack can mean different things to different people... one person's idea of a smack could be a light use of the hand, someone else's idea of a smack might be a forceful striking... both can be regarded as a smack but the effects of them quite different. The values of the people involved are vastly different even though the same term is used.
5. smacking, especially using one's hand against a child is a dangerous form of violence. The adult is stronger and has little idea of the impact of their hand on the body of a child. Smacking with a hand has an impact on the deep tissue of a child rather than on the surface tissue where there might be a momentary sting but no lasting tissue damage. If a parent used a plastic ruler as an alternative, the damage to deep tissue is greatly minimised, but please be clear, I am not advocating this form of smacking either, because...
6. the violence involved when one individual is clearly dominant over the other is of the worse kind of violence. It is bullying, it is intimidating, it is abusive, and it violates the other. It is the worst possible example of 'good' parenting that we can give to our children, for it suggests that violence is an appropriate way of handling conflict. The Gospel way of handling conflict is completely opposite - forgiveness, turning the other cheek, 'blessed are the peacemakers,' serving, humility, and thereby inspiring love
7. Finally, I believe (with Leunig below) that violence begets violence. Often I have seen a child who has been hit then hit out at whoever is further down the power 'chain' than them. Smacking a child perpetuates the myth that violence sorts something out. Where do we get this idea from? I can admit that there is a case for some violent intervention to stop the violent abuse of another - e.g. the overthrowing of the Nazi regime etc etc - but that is not to imply that this sorts everything out... it creates a whole new set of problems and it escalates other forms of violence... the violence involved in the carpet-bombing of the civilians of Dresden and Tokyo, and the dropping of nuclear bombs on the civilians of Hiroshima and Nagasaki was a level of violence far in advance of the violence the allies were attempting to quell... wars have not ceased... the arms race has escalated and not reduced as a result of the allies 'winning' WW2... etc etc
10 comments:
I'd like to ask "Who would Jesus smack?"
Does the painful work my dentist did on me the other day fit your definition of violence? Should it?
Tell me about verbal violence. Is telling a child off violence if it creates psychological pain? Is putting a child in their room in isolation violence if it creates psychological pain and uses physical force? These are both done by powerful adults.
Thanks for this post Martin. I'd love to read your response to Bruce's questions.
Bruce has asked two questions - I was going to ignore them until Jason exposed my ducking for cover!
I do want to say that I am venturing comments and opinions that are still being formed and I welcome friendly and wise critique.
In terms of the painful work of dentists - absolutely it is violence - I cannot for the life of me see why Bruce thinks that he should ask that question... come on, this is a serious blog!
As to the second... of course there is verbal violence - the bullying stories from the world of females suggests that this is more prominent and devastating than people have realised.
I really don't know at what point the line is crossed from appropriate verbal remonstration and inappropriate... I do know that a child cowering in fear as she is being yelled at is bullying by the powerful one - but carefully and firmly pointing out what is not right about some behaviours is an important tool in the parenting toolbox.
I heard from someone yesterday of a father who only smacked a couple of times because his firm word was clearly something to be obeyed... I don't detect fear in their relationship now but I can't be sure that it wasn't a factor... was that too far? I don't know.
Time out to gather one's wits and think through their actions seems like a good idea but if it is extended solitary confinement then sooner or later is becomes a form of torture. What sayeth thee Bruce and Jason?
Hi Martin I ask both questions to highlight both the difficulty and necessity of defining 'violence'. In your yes answer regarding teh dentist, you admit that calling an act violence does not of itself make the action wrong. Other factors must make up the case. Personally I would go the other way and say that it is not really violence, what a dentist does, because God's good creation is not being violated. I use the term primarily as a moral term (with some metaphorical side-uses).
Secondly, I suspect, but cannot speak with authority, that you overdramatize the tissue damage issue for the average smack. Are you talking about permanent damage of any consequence?
Finally, I don't think putting a child in their room is purely verbal. It is the use of physical force (if you have to lift the child). This use of physical force is then associated with the psychological pain of isolation. In fact does not all 'punishment' in which limits are set to a child involve some experience of 'pain' for the child. For my kids the confiscation of a cellphone would be the infliction of pain. My point is merely that I'm not convinced that your definition does the work you want it to and therefore the argument as it stands does not persuade me. I don't think there is a simple way of determining appropriate parental behaviour by adopting the word 'violence'.
Hi Bruce
I admit that violence as a definition isn't tight enough - and it is inflamatory - but I do think the line between reasonable parental correction and bullying is too often very thin... I am not ok about intimidation has a means of parenting either - it might make the job easier for the controlling dominating parent but what about the effect on the child?
Have you some thoughts about what is appropriate and not appropriate re parental correction?
Of all the things I have said the one about the tissue damage is the one I am more certain about.
Re the dentist... that the dentist necessarily inflicts pain and charges us beggars belief... something is really wrong there!
Ha- I'm only a month late to this discussion....
We are yes voters here too. We need to send a strong message that violence plays no role in parenting. And I believe smacking IS violence. If one of my children were to hit the other to get them to behave in the way they want, wouldn't that be defined as violence??
I have smacked one of them out of sheer desperation and it was probably the lowest point of my parenting "career". I regret it deeply. She was almost as disgusted in me as I was in myself...her strong sense of justice was so offended! I believe her behaviour got worse after that incident until we had a chance to heal. She was horrified that I'd spent so much time telling her she wasn't allowed to hit her brother only to then turn around and hit her!
Raising children is HARD work and commitment to not smacking is certainly not the EASY (read Lazy ;)option! Instead of spending nine million on stupid referendums, the money would be better spent educating parents on non-violent alternatives to spanking. Thank goodness for the Toolbox course! It rocked......any plans to hold the Middle Years programme soon??? ;)
Take care, Bridget
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